Yo.. yo! (* Eminem hachs up spit *) 
Mic check.. (My dick!) 
Testing.. one, two (* Eminem hach-spits on mic *) 
Ffff-fuck.. (My dick!) My nuts.. 
 
My attitude is worse than NWA's was 
I'll battle you over stupid shit and diss people  
who ain't have shit to do with it, like Cool J does (My tattoo!) 
You see me standin outside of your buildin; screamin,  
"Puffy is good, (HEY!) but Slim Shady is for the children!" (WAIT!) 
I look at my life in a new light -- fuck it 
Give me two mics; I write songs for me -- fuck what you like 
You're probably hear me rap half-hearted; cause I don't like rap anyway 
I'm just tryin to get my porno career started 
Every place and event.. +Been There, Done That+ 
Shit, Dre stuck me in a suitcase when he went  
(* zipper sound *) "Come on, let's go!" 
Want a deal? Study these 5 chapters 
Lesson One: Throw demos as hard as you can at signed rappers 
Lesson Two: Face em and diss em (whattup dog?) 
Don't give em a demo; kidnap em (I want you to come with me) 
and make em come to your basement and listen  
(you're gonna fuckin check this out) 
Lesson Three: Get a job at a label; switch demos with Canibus  
and put yours on the owner's table (here listen!) 
Lesson Four: 'Know you heard this before' 
"Hey let me get your number; I'll call you tomorrow, for sure!" 
Don't act like a fan -- you wanna get signed? 
Get the whitest A&R you can find 
Pull him aside and rap as wack as you can 
Lesson Five: Get a hook-up at Jive 
Dress up like I.C.P. and have them come see you perform live 
And that's the key, but when you see me on the street; I ain't  
givin you shit bitch - don't even bother askin me (get away from me) 
Toilet water splashes me right in the ass when I'm spittin 
cause I'm always shittin when I'm rappin like Master P (UNNNGGGGH!) 
Got a blowjob from Paula Jones, and stuffed it so far in her mouth 
my balls broke both of her collarbones (OWW!) 
Told Mya this shit was all about me-ah ("It's all about me..") 
Gave Alyssa Milano syphillis, mono and gonorrhea ("You're a dick!") 
And all three of my main girls said SEE-YA 
Cause Brandy and Monica walked in and caught me fuckin Aaliyah 
(What? Oh my God!) I splish splash while I'm takin a bath 
Grab a handful of pills, break em in half, take em and laugh 
White trash -- fuckin your wife in the ass ("Oh! Ooh Shady! Oooh!") 
While you're out siphoning gas for your lawnmower to cut the grass 
 
So if I hurt your self-esteem  
and you get dissed too bad [Yo why you diss me?] 
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad 
And when I rap about a buncha shit you wished you had [A big dick!] 
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad 
"I can't listen to that song, that shit's too sad!" 
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad 
"He'll never make it, his wrist is slit too bad!" [Nurse! Nurse!] 
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad 
 
What a wonderful day; I should go outside and play 
Ain't no need to sit inside the house and hibernate 
Hi Renee! (Oh hi!) I was just about to toss a live grenade 
in your driveway (WHAT?) and drive away (* car peels out *) 
Are you afraid of a blade made of a razor with AIDS 
Blood drippin from it, rippin your stomach like a paper mache 
You talk a lotta shit, but you was never ill though 
I'm sick enough to beat you to death with a feather pillow 
Tipped over some cows, just for a joke and a laugh (MOOOOO!) 
Jumped up, choked a giraffe, snapped his neck and broke it in half 
Wagin wars, went on stage and sprayed Cage with +Agent Orange+ 
And wiped my ass with his page in Source (Here!) 
The demon is here, steamin this year 
I rip [*Mystikal's*] voicebox out, scream in his ear (AHHHHHH!) 
It's not a gimmick bitch, it's an image I live it 
Give a fuck? I don't know what a fuck is to give it 
"Yeah I don't think this guy is well.." I'm high as hell 
I'll beat you with a live cat when I'm swinging him by his tail 
 
[* impersonating Method Man *] 
I'll fuckin, I'll fuckin 
Lay your nuts on the dresser 
Just your nutsack by itself 
And bang them shits with a spiked bat 
Cut your neck off and sew your head right back 
And leave you like that 
 
You just triggered the prick who just mixed liquor 
Who's itchin to leave you disfigured and stiffer than Chris-topher 
Reeves, I was teething with strep throat  
while your mother was breastfeeding 
And gave her the flesh-eating disease 
I'm iller than takin a hammer and beatin your knees 
and walkin through South Central L.A., bleedin in jeans 
(Am I a Blood or a Crip?) Wakin up the next day in breathin machines 
Flashin back to being shot and repeatin the scenes 
on how you just got smoked, and if you do live 
You'll be too scared to tell it, like a Biggie and 'Pac joke 
 
So if I hurt your self-esteem and you get dissed too bad 
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad 
And when I rap about a fat bitch that you wished you had 
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad 
"I can't listen to that song, that shit's too sad" 
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad 
"He'll never make it, his wrist is slit too bad" 
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad 
 
I know that makes you real mad, don't it? (uh-huh) 
That's right, Slim Shady (yup) Sway & Tech 
Sprayin wreck (bitch) 
And we don't give a heck (uh-uh) 
or a damn.. or a fuck.. or a shit 
So suck my motherfuckin dick